Note from Gaius: Sarah Arias kindly agreed to provide a guest-post here. What follows was not edited in any way by me
I told Gaius I’d do this guest post…only this one. One time. Yes I gave in…after hours of his whining about his stupid blog and how important my participation would be. The way he moaned and groaned you’d think the fate of the world depended on me writing a few hundred words. So here I am.
Do I sound frustrated? You would understand…if you knew Gaius as well as I do. Do you think he chronicles the train wreck he calls his life in his autobiographies? Do you really? Yes, I’ve read them all. I’ve also caught him flexing his muscles in front of the mirror. It’s the same thing.
He’s such a guy…getting up early in the morning and checking how many hits he gets on this site. “Someone from Japan!” he said this morning, as if every country in the world isn’t connected to the world wide web. And what about the other hundred million people there? Send out ten million advertising tweets and you’re bound to catch at least one hit from everywhere. Even Japan.
It’s not as if he’s asked me to post a selfie or something overly revealing. He’ll probably get Helmet and Bernard to LIKE the post or HEART it. There’s also his hopping zombie friend in Singapore. Lester. And that shows how desperate poor Gaius is for attention…for people to like him. So I agreed. Besides, this gives me a chance to clear up some things he’s written about me.
Where to start? For one thing, I’ve never claimed to be his guardian angel…or an angel of any kind. Gaius sees, or thinks he sees, a couple of events out of the ordinary and he does what all men do…he jumps to conclusions. The wackier and the more improbable, the better. Such a child at two thousand. What next, an alien abduction?
So no, I’ve never claimed to be his guardian angel. But guardian angel is what’s stuck in his mind. And there’s more between his ears clogging up his sanity. Not that I’m saying I can read his mind. He thinks I can do that too, BTW. In addition to being children, men are paranoid.
And why would I want to read a mind like his, anyway? How would you like being constantly bombarded by sophomoric thoughts regarding your underwear, your chest, and the way your jeans fit? I don’t either. I meant to say…neither would I.
Back to his thoughts. Metaphor, that’s what I’m looking for. Metaphor. Pig. The best metaphor for Gaius of the Teutoberg tribe and for all of his disgusting thoughts. If I could read them. Pig.
Pig the way he stares at women like we’re sexual objects and pig for the things that run through his brain when women walk past. Pig the way he wonders which of them he might have a chance to “score” with and pig the way he’s always so sure it’s all off them. If they just got to know the real him. Right. Well maybe they should ask somebody who knows him better than anyone…someone who could tell them about the real Gaius of Teutoberg.
Other thoughts do find their way into his mind. Like an almost instinctual willingness to give his own life to protect a friend. Same for strangers. An impossibly stubborn sense of honor. Just like his father. I’m not admitting to knowing his father, by the way. Doing the right thing is all there is for him, it’s all his mind accepts. And that makes the job of a guardian angel difficult. Maybe impossible. If I were a guardian angel. And there are other things that might run through Gaius’s mind.
Like whether or not I’m safe. Even though he’s certain I’m his guardian angel, he still worries about what might happen to me. Not what I can do for him, but what he can do for me. There’s more. He worries about whether I’m frightened or whether I’m not. Whether I’m warm and comfortable, or whether I’m not. And when he thinks I’ve gone somewhere, when he hasn’t seen me for months or for years…he misses me. And during those long periods of my absence…he thinks about how much he loves me. Yes, Gaius, Prince of the Teutoberg Tribe and vampire, loves me in his mind when he thinks I’m not peeking into it.
I’d know all those things…if I could read is mind. How would I know everything? Because if I were his guardian angel, I’d always be by Gaius’s side…watching over him.
There. I’m glad I wrote this after all. Gives me a chance to clear up all of Gaius’s misconceptions.